Thursday, 1 January 2015

Does That Make me a Bad Mom...

When I decided to start "trying" to become a mom, I knew that my life would forever be changed.  I was "ready" and "prepared" for sleepless nights, sweat pant attire, crying, whining (from the kids as well), make-believe play, baby smiles, giggles, tickle fights, getting puked/peed/pooped on, 8 o'clock bedtime, 6 am wake ups...every day, snuggles, sounding EXACTLY like my mother, agreeing to disagree on parenting with Barry, hugs that engulf my heart and soul, sass, learning to pick battles with a toddler, watching my heart grow outside of my body etc.  But what I was not so prepared/ready/wanting was the loss of me. 

Who am I?  Truly, deep down beneath the goofy dancing and ongoing silliness??  That, I am still learning....Although I don't truly know who it is that I am, I feel like I have lost a part of it by becoming a mom.  Don't get me wrong, I don't sit here with regret about my life changing decision.  I LOVE being a mom, especially to my 2 beautiful goof balls.  BUT, I wouldn't be living honestly if  I didn't admit that I have lost a part of me.

I have recently been submerged into "A House in the Sky" (yes, a book...Jodi is reading a freaking book....not ready to join any club yet but at least it's a start).  As I read through the journey's Amanda Lindhout took previously to her captivity in 2008, I can't help but think that perhaps somewhere along the way I had/have a different calling in life.  I want to see more of the world, meet all sorts of new and exciting people, do humanitarian work near and far, learn a new skill that will be useful/helpful to me and others as well as truly share my passion for life, love, compassion and kindness. 

I feel guilty that these are the ideals that excite, entice and inspire me.  I do not feel fulfilled by just being a "mom".  Hissss, I know that what I said will be taken offensively by so many of the beautiful mothers out there.  Please know that I do not intend to negate the importance of motherhood, especially to so many of you.  All I am saying is that I love being a mother but it does not completely fulfill me.  Does that make me a horrible mother?  (rhetorical... please no hate comments).

I am trying to live outside and refrain from keeping closed all of the time so please excuse what may sound like ignorance as I work through my personal thoughts and challenges. 

I am absolutely loving being back at work teaching full time as it fills my desire to grow, share, be compassionate, learn etc.  I am very self aware in knowing that I have jumped into work head first, being coated in all that is elementary school while letting my role as a mother take a back seat.  The Christmas holiday has helped allow for some balance; however, I can feel the muscles in my neck tighten as I begin to enter into school land again....worried about how to balance it all.  Most notable and perhaps selfish of me is the fact that I feel more fulfilled being a full time teacher than I do by being a full time mother.  Did I just say that?  Again, I don't want any of you reading this to think that I don't want to be a mom or that I regret it....I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this crazy journey, I hope to find a way to feel fulfilled while being an ever present and emotionally available mother.